All the world is a stage, but I wasn't cast

When I was young, I thought Don Quixote was actually ‘donkey hoti.’ It took me a long time to figure that out.

We’re balls deep in the film. I don’t really know why I’m here. There never seems to be anything for me to do, and certainly nothing for me to do that someone else couldn’t easily do. When they’re so concerned about being conservative with the number of people on set, or staying on location, I keep expecting to hear they don’t want me back.

It’s not like anyone else does.

I probably need to raise my standards. Putting out on the first date rarely works as planned and when it pans out ‘for the better,’ it’s usually not someone with whom I want it to pan out anyway. I’m not surprised the communication is scarce. Although, I don’t really understand why it is either.

It’s funny how I can so easily get caught up in someone about whom I was previously ambivalent… The moment they don’t give me the attention I crave, I get upset and withdrawn and depressed. Just please don’t say you’ll email me and then forget to, or choose not to; the truth is I’ll be frantically checking it for years.

[Via http://ellyhigginbottom.wordpress.com]

Beware the "Honey Trap" (it's exactly what it sounds like)

Ran across this article on ForeignPolicy.com a few days ago. It’s about the intersection of sex and espionage. I think it’s kinda cool.

Two things jump out at me:

1.  ”Honey Trap.” They use it to describe the traps people fall into because of sex. But HONEY TRAP?! Seriously? Is this 70s porn lingo? It just feels so dirty. Don’t believe me? Say it aloud.

Aaand go.

…Now you wish you could wash your brain right? And they keep using that term over and over through the article! It’s a derivation of the term “honey pot” as a euphemism for vagina, which they also use in the article.

This is a honey pot:

Need I say more?

2. Second, much of the article deals w/ people who gave up state secrets or other important information for sex. So here’s the question:Is it trickin?

I’m one of those people who thinks giving up money purely for sex is trickin (even if you got it). I don’t know, for me it’s the principle of it. But if somebody you’re messing with gets you to give up nuclear secrets right after (or before) some head does that count?

On one hand, they’re definitely manipulating you. But on the other hand, how could you possibly know that s/he is trying to take you for your nuclear secrets? When somebody wants your money you kinda know it. It’s hard for it to be unclear. And you know exactly what you’re losing. Giving up nuclear secrets is a little more unclear. Maybe s/he just wants to feel trusted, and it’s perfectly innocuous. But then, maybe it’s a “honey trap” and they wanna steal nukes and blow shit up. Then thousands–even millions–of people could die, and you’re definitely getting fired from your secret nuclear job.

Things to think about right?

Finally, if you’ve ever come out on the bottom (no pun intended) of a sexual experience just be glad you’ve never:

• Been lured to a foreign country for a romantic weekend, then gotten arrested and jailed.
• Been falsely accused of setting multiple “honey traps” when you were really just kinda…being slutty. Then being executed for it.
• Had you career/credibility destroyed by an alleged honey trap that probably never existed. All because the media sensationalized it.
• or Been a closeted gay man who got blackmailed into becoming a double agent, became an alcoholic, then died when you fell one day while you were drunk.

Have a nice day kids.

[Via http://kosd27.wordpress.com]

Love Me, Love My Doll

I remember watching Love Me, Love My Doll around this time last year when I interned at Vice. I’m not sure why I was told to watch it, but I remember it being interesting and I randomly felt the urge to watch it again. It’s a documentary about men who share their lives with Real Dolls, which are life-sized dolls that look and feel similar to actual women. Everything about them is customizable, including cup size and pubic hair. They cost several thousands of dollars. They’re anatomically correct in the way that no doubt matters most – they have vaginas. That you can fuck. They’re sex dolls, basically. But to the owners featured in this movie, they’re more than that – they’re companions who are often treated with the utmost love and care. A strange yet seemingly genuine emotional bond ties these men to their dolls, kind of like the one depicted in Lars and the Real Girl, although, big surprise, these men are no Ryan Gosling.

Many of them believe they are incapable of meeting human women (for whatever reason, be it their looks or their social awkwardness) and have settled for synthetic versions. As crazy as that seems, this might seem a little crazier – I think I understand these men. I refuse to judge them. Yes, it’s bizarre to watch them shop for skimpy outfits for their dolls, it’s off-putting to view them delicately apply makeup to inanimate eyelids and lips and it’s certainly uncommon to see a grown man admiringly looking into a doll’s eyes and whispering, “I love you.” You will see all that and more in this movie. It’s kind of fascinating.

This is the closest thing to ‘love’ these men have ever experienced. It’s not socially acceptable, but somehow, it’s real. Some of the men realize that a doll could never provide the companionship and affection that a real woman could; others simply don’t care. They communicate with their dolls in their own way and appear to believe it to be reciprocal. They seem to realize that deep down, this is totally weird – but they’re still happy. And more importantly, they aren’t as lonely. One could probably argue that for some, spending a lifetime alone may be more psychologically damaging than having a relationship with a doll that looks exactly like a woman (well, a woman with a perfect, unattainable body).

Here’s a screen grab of a doll’s vagina. It’s OK, I was curious too.

-Melissa

P.S. If I didn’t embed the video properly, which is possible because I’m an idiot, click here. It really is interesting.

[Via http://badbangs.wordpress.com]

Sex with Mr. Jackass

I really should name him something else but when we were lying in bed and I told him about it he giggled so it’ll stick cause he usually pisses me off 90% of the time. Man whore couldn’t make it on Friday night for a very legitimate reason, so I had a back up plan. Mr. Jackass. I really didn’t think he would come either. In fact I had just started a movie when he texted and said he was on his way. Bless his heart he even knew if man whore said yes he’d get bumped lol and he still came. I think he was desperate for some sex. Hey I don’t care, so was I lol

We have a 45 minute drive to each other’s houses so it’s a bit of a haul. However it’s always so cute with him. He’s so intimate. Exact opposite of man whore sex. And exactly what I was craving. Every time we see each other there’s a “hi” and then boom, off to make out! He’s a good kisser, I won’t deny him that. Very good. He doesn’t get me all soaking wet with his tongue and knows just the right balance to use. I tried to have a little conversation first but I could tell by the way he walked in there would be none of that lol. It was his first time to my house so I actually wavered a little bit before I decided what to wear. Went with a silky nightie thing that I feel totally absurd in but he said “nice choice” so I must have done well. Next time he comes he gets sweats and a t shirt lmao. When I go to his house he’s always in shorts and a t shirt so I think it’s only fair.

Now the thing with Mr. Jackass that keeps me going back for more is he’s so incredibly in to cuddling and rubbing and making out and just being intimate. Which I do not get in a lot of places. I mean my husband will but not when sex is involved. Mr. Jackass has that kind of sex where he lays right on top of me while he’s in me and holds his arms around me. That is completely hot. That’s enough to make me look past the fact that he doesn’t know how to pick up a phone and say hello until he’s alone lol

The other thing I find completely cute about him is the fact he’s so innocent about sex. He hasn’t done a lot, he hasn’t been around a lot, and he is just so out of his norm by having sex with me that it’s a turn on. In fact I had him use my glass on me and I could instantly tell he didn’t know what he was doing so with some questioning found out he’s never used a dildo or toy of any kind on a woman. I was in shock. And at this point I thought well gosh I hope I don’t freak him out. Here I am handing him my favorite glass dildo, and I’m using a bullet on my clit and he’s probably thinking “holy fuck what do I do?” hahaha it was great. And he gets this little tone when you try and give him guidance that is just adorable. I can’t tell if he’s annoyed I’m bossing him around or if he’s nervous. I asked and he said he doesn’t mind that I tell him what to do and show him so I don’t know what the change in his voice tone is but it’s absolutely adorable. He’s not used to changing things up in bed, he’s just used to routine and so I made sure we had some variety in there for him. Started with a blow job for him to get the quick shot out of the way, then he had to get me off twice (I even told him it had to be twice lol), and then he could have some sex. And he felt awesome during the sex too. I wish he was louder. I always have to kind of guess when he’s coming because he’s so damn quiet but I can usually figure it out. Would be way hot if he would make some noise. He’s started making noise during his blow jobs for me, but it doesn’t seem to carry over to when we’re having sex. And he always hops off so damn fast after he cums it’s like you hit a button and he must. move. now. lol I think he hates having a condom on. Or hell if I know what the immediate rush to remove the condom is all about. He always tries to sneak it in without a condom like I’m not going to notice lol So I don’t think he’s a huge fan of them.

Then we had some fabulous pillow talk and cuddle time and for a change I got to fall asleep in my own bed. He left me nice and sleepy and I slept like a baby and didn’t even wait up to see if he made it all the way home. It was great. He’s invited me to go away with him on a work trip in April and I doubt that it happens but it’d be nice if it did. Spoke with the husband in case and he’d be happy to stay home with the kids while I went so it’d be nice if it did happen. We’ll see.

But finally I got the intimacy that I’ve been needing. Very nice. And I’ll be a little nicer to him for a few weeks now because of it lol well until he acts like a jackass again and starts pissing me off

[Via http://openmarriagelife.wordpress.com]

Fast, easy, delicious dessert

I love this dessert; it’s very easy and yummy. Even the kids love it!

Caramelized pears and plums

Serves 2

2 pears (Bosc type)
1 plum
a touch of rum (optional)
1/2 T raisins
brown sugar
cinnamon * (1/2 tsp)
touch of ginger* (or as desire)
dash of salt
butter

Cut the pears in half to clean, remove also the stem. Cut in quarters.
Same with the plum.
Preheat a medium saute pan on medium-high.
Throw some butter in. Then the pears and plum. Move around.
Add the rum. Let reduce. Add the raisins, sugar, cinnamon, salt and ginger.
Keep moving around and let caramelize.
Serve with vanilla ice cream.
Kitchen notes:
Ginger is a powerful root, good for luck, healing and sex magick.
Cinnamon has been used to attract the favor of the gods and goddesses. Use it to get money and be successful.

[Via http://fbeccaglia.wordpress.com]

Just one time...

I just ask that one time a man has to sit through a gyno exam… not one where he’s expecting a child or sitting with a sick wife but just a random gyno exam with his girlfriend.  Awkward, uncomfortable, unpleasant… just a few words to describe those moments you are sitting on a table with your legs spread, hoisted into said awkward position via stirrups.

Oh what? Don’t even try to tell me  turning your head and coughing while having your balls fondled is anywhere near comparable… my boyfriend would have me do that to him everyday if he could.  It’s like a dentist appointment except your staring at the ceiling while a pair of latex fingers are inserted inside of you while you try to make small talk…. at least at the dentist you can’t talk.  At least at the dentist you don’t have to change your clothes.  At least at the dentist it’s THE DENTIST.

Going to the gyno is irritating…. and it’s necessary.  In this day and age if you are sexually active and don’t go, you are an idiot.  IDIOT.  Condoms are not full proof.  I’m not even just talking about pregnancy or aids… herpes, genital warts- all can be passed by skin contact outside of the rubber.

Alright… enough of my PSA.  I just don’t think men will ever comprehend or relate to a trip to the gyno.

Maybe a prostate exam but that doesn’t happen until they are 50+.  Try dealing with that at least once every year since you were 18-20

[Via http://whatamidoingwithmylifeagain.wordpress.com]

Charity Must Begin At Home

Charity must begin at home, because one cannot count on it beginning at church. Perhaps I should say, one cannot count on charity beginning at the Roman Catholic Church. Not if one is gay. You may recall that, in November 2009, the city of Washington D.C. passed a law recognizing gay marriages, a law that was opposed immediately by the city’s Catholic Archdiocese. An objection raised at the time was this:

Under the bill…religious organizations would not be required to perform or make space available for same-sex weddings. But they would have to obey city laws prohibiting discrimination against gay men and lesbians.

Fearful that they could be forced, among other things, to extend employee benefits to same-sex married couples, church officials said they would have no choice but to abandon their contracts with the city.

It didn’t take long for Catholic Charities to devise a solution to this dilemma (and keep government funds flowing their way): as of March 2, 2010, employees of Catholic Charities are not allowed to add spouses to their health insurance plans. This applies to the spouses of straight and gay employees alike. Since the charitable organization can’t blatantly provide benefits to one group (straights) and deny said benefits to the other (gays), it will simply deny said benefits to all of them. Equal opportunity exclusion. Because that’s what Jesus would do.

The policy applies to new employees enrolling for benefits after March 2; spouses covered before that date will retain their benefits. The group explained its decision in a memo:

We sincerely regret that we have to make this change, but it is necessary to allow Catholic Charities to continue to provide essential services to the clients we serve in partnership with the District of Columbia while remaining consistent with the tenets of our religious faith.

The tenets of their religious faith. Those include tenets allowing the Church to shelter priests who rape children and shuffle those rapacious predators from one traumatized diocese to another unsuspecting diocese, to another, and another ad infinitum. They include tenets allowing the Church to purchase abuse victims’ silence, or, when that fails, pay them large financial sums in legal settlements. They include tenets allowing Church leaders to lie to millions of African AIDS victims about the efficacy of condoms in reducing the spread of that dreadful disease. And they also include tenets that oppose the rights of men and women to control their reproduction via contraception and abortion. Do you look at those tenets and see anything worth preserving? I sure as hell don’t. If you agree with me and you want to donate some time or money to a charity, you may want to consider giving to a secular charitable group. Contrary to the myth that many fundogelicals are peddling (along with the rest of their bullshit), churches are not the only charitable organizations in town, and Christians are not the only people who give time and money to their communities.

For this atheist, charity must begin at home because religious charity often comes with strings attached. And if those strings can’t be attached, then some groups (like Catholic Charities) cut off both the strings and the gifts. Their thinking seems to be that ’tis far better that no one get anything at all than that some of the wrong people get a little bit of something from them. That may be the Catholic Charities way; it certainly is not my way.

– the chaplain

[Via http://thechapel.wordpress.com]

Second choice fuck

I have too many blogs to write and I’m a cranky pile of insomnia currently so my storytelling skills may be lacking. Not falling asleep til 6 am every day is getting old like Burt Reynolds.

Here’s to giving it a shot…..Oh maybe you should all take shots before you read this. I might be funnier that way. Go ahead, go get drunk. I’ll wait………………………………………………………………………….

Okay.

Last Friday Lucy asked me to come out for ONE drink after work. One drink somehow turned into closing down Bye and Bye up on Alberta. It’s such a rare thing for us to go out on a Friday night. Generally, a full bar terrifies me and brings out my most wicked anxiety. I prefer going out on Sundays when it’s empty out and then I bitch about how there’s no hot men for me to look at it. Oh yeah, I rule at life.

We found ourselves sitting at the only available seats in the bar which happened to be two stools at the corner of the L shaped bar. Little did we know that being in this position made us prime candidates to be hit on since people had to come up next to us to order drinks.

Let me pause to say that Lucy had just gotten off work and was wearing a long sleeved black T shirt and a below the knee black skirt. She looked a little like she was in mourning in a religious sect. This just further proves how retardedly attractive she is, she still got hit on way more than me. I’m okay with forever being second choice girl. It’s better than searching out fat friends.

Several entertaining things happened. In list form:

1. I have had drinks bought for me before but never by someone who I hadn’t already been speaking to. As Lucy and I chatted away and downed cheap beer, she kept glancing over my shoulder.

“Shit, shit….that guy keeps staring at us. Like he won’t stop.”

I casually turned and saw a man with Prince Charles ears, a blazer, sweater vest AND a tie eagle eyeing us from three people over.

“Ah fuck, ” Lucy whispered. “He just bought us drinks.”

“What?” I squealed.

Sure enough the bartender put two fresh tall boys in front of us. We peeked down at Prince Charles and tipped out cans in thanks. Several seconds later he slid up behind us, placing a hand on the small of my back.

“Hello ladies, I’m Peter.”

We shook Peter’s hand and introduced ourselves then quick as he came he slipped off into the crowded bar. I have to hand it to Peter. It takes a lot of balls to come to a Portland hipster bar dressed like a prep school escapee and buy drinks for two girls that you’ve been eye drilling. I wouldn’t fuck the guy with someone else’s vagina but I do have to give him credit. (He ended up coming back later and was actually kind of a dick. I may or may not have said something offensive to get him to leave. I saw him getting a girl’s number later though so everyone won.)

2. Some guy who liked like a handsome version of Screech from Saved by the Bell asked for my number. So I gave him my business card.

3. I was totally drooling over the bartender all night. A compact, fedora wearing man with an appealing nose. He seemed to be making eye contact with everyone in the bar but me which I took to mean I am a hideous troll. Lucy, however, told me that it was a good thing. Her logic is questionable sometimes. Nonetheless, at the end of the night I awkwardly told him we should get a drink sometime. He had one of my flyers from work and a business card of mine. Due to the fact that I asked him out with the force of a baby turtle, I do not expect a phone call.

4. Out of nowhere I turned to see Lucy talking to a moderately handsome older guy who was hitting on her like he wanted to marry her. He and his friend turned out to be the most entertaining people we had met in a bar in a long time. 40 minutes into him trying to win Lucy’s affections I finally told him that she’s a very taken lady. So predictably he started hitting on me. And I quite liked it. We avoided the what-do-you-do-where-you-from chit chat that I had been enduring all night and instead verbally bantered about bicycles, ass hair and woodworking. He took my card in the hopes of shaving some time off his back races by not having leg or ass hair. We hugged at the end of the night and I promptly told Lucy that I would totally fuck him if she hadn’t been his first choice.

What do you know though, he texted me the next day and I fell into it and went out with him. God I suck at sticking to my guns.

ask me stupid questions as always.

[Via http://sweetbirdofmischief.wordpress.com]

Wanna Know Wednesday 3.3.10

Hey everyone it’s Wednesday!

This week we’re going to be doing something a little different.  Today’s Wanna Know Wednesday is going to actually lead into an upcoming discussion that will be up no later than Friday.

The topic is focused on the infamous Friends with Benefits!!!

If I had to guess, I would say that most of you are aware of what Friends with Benefits are.  If you are not familiar with the term then you will definitely want to stop back by later this week to read the discussion on the subject.  The discussion will explain the term and it should also  enlighten you.

Before we jump right into the poll question I would just like to ask you to spread the word about Up 4 Discussion.  If you enjoy the posts here on the blog tell your friends, family & e-buddies about Up4Dsn.  It would be great if we could reach more people and have them be a part of our discussions as well.  This isn’t a plea, just a suggestion.  Thank you in advance for stopping by & for spreading the word about Up 4 Discussion!

*J

View This Poll
answers

[Via http://up4dsn.wordpress.com]

News From Around The Blogosphere 3.2.10

1. Homeschooling Christian family gets asylum in the U.S. – They fled Germany because they didn’t like the schools there and Germany was smart enough to outlaw home-schooling. Sadly, the U.S. hasn’t gotten there yet.

“It’s our fundamental right to decide how we want to teach our children,” says Uwe Romeike, an Evangelical Christian and a concert pianist who sold his treasured Steinway to help pay for the move.

It’s your fundamental nothing. Children have a fundamental right to a REAL education. I have no objection to carefully regulated home-schooling conducted by people who are properly qualified to teach but if all you’re going to do is brainwash your kids, that should not be tolerated in modern society. I say send The Romeikes packing. They don’t got to go home but they can’t stay here and brainwash their kids into morons. We’ve got too much undereducated morons in this country already.

2. Supreme Court rules that D.C. can issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples - Congratulations to the District of Columbia for standing up for Marriage Equality!

The city has said Wednesday probably will be the first day same-sex couples can apply for marriage licenses. Couples still will have to wait three full business days for their licenses before exchanging vows.

Sounds great. I think they can handle waiting the three days.

3. Humanists in India arrested for distributing book critical of Islam – The Center for Inquiry’s New Delhi President Innaiah Narisetti and two other individuals, Subba Rao and author Macha Laxmaiah, were arrested for distributing a book:

The book, Crescent over the World , is a compilation of articles including submissions by Salman Rushdie and Tasleema Nasreen, along with one of the “blasphemous” cartoons published in the Danish press in 2005 (some of which were republished in Free Inquiry magazine)

From a Feb. 26 Thaindian News report:

“The arrests followed massive protests by Muslims in Khammam, around 250 km from Hyderabad. They took out a rally, demanding action against the author and those who helped him.

“Police said they seized 380 books of the first volume and 410 books of the second volume of the publication in different parts of Khammam district.”

[Via http://skepacabra.wordpress.com]

I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously.

The above quote by Hitchhiker’s Guide writer Douglas Adams brings me to an article in today’s Metro newspaper.

Looking at the relationship between religion and intelligence, a study conducted by evolutionary psychologist Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa of the London School of Economics claims that teenagers that didn’t believe in God had an average IQ of 106, while those with deep religious convictions had an average IQ of 95, the reasoning being that people who were more open to new ideas – such as questioning religion – were naturally more intelligent.

No more church for me.

Looking at relationships and intelligence, Dr. Kanazawa’s study goes on to report that men who are unfaithful to their partners are likely to have lower IQs than men that are faithful. I’d just like to say at this point to my partner Jane – Jane, if you read this, my lower IQ has nothing at all to do with me being unfaithful, I’m just naturally dim.

According to Dr. Kanazawa “…more intelligent men are more likely to value sexual exclusivity than less intelligent men”. This theory has of course been born out recently by Chelsea footballers John Terry and Ashley Cole, both hitting the headlines for their extra-marital activities. Footballers have never exactly been known for their brains, and John Terry knocking off fellow footballer Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend is not going to earn him a medal position at Mensa.

"I, John, take you, Toni, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until I knock off Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend Vanessa."

[Via http://to55er.wordpress.com]

Chastity - A Catholic Truth for Catholic Youth

What does Chastity mean?
by Father Gerard Monaghan

Most people believe that being chaste means that one is not sexually active. WRONG!!!

There are many people living good chaste lives who have healthy and vibrant sex lives. It should be noted that they are married. That’s right, even married people are called to be chaste. As a matter of fact, chastity has more to do with fidelity than it does with foregoing sexual experiences. The essence of chastity is being faithful to one’s state in life. Therefore, for a married couple, it means saving their physical expression of love for their spouse, exclusively.

What does chastity mean for the single person?

For the single person it means the same thing. If you think this is crazy, stick with the tour and see for yourself. Sexual intercourse, despite what the media would indicate, is not an indoor sport. It is the ULTIMATE expression of love between a husband and wife. Sexual intercourse, despite what the media would indicate, is not merely a physical act.

It is the total self-giving of one person to another. It is so intimate that it is an emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical experience.

It is so profound that it strengthens and completes the bond of marriage.

Read more

[Via http://douglawrence.wordpress.com]

A Mess With The Bible

“I love the Bible.  I’m in awe of it.”  “But my quest for a new kind of Christianity has required me to ask some hard questions about the Bible I love.”

“We’ve gotten ourselves in a mess with the Bible.”

“First, we are in a scientific mess.  Fundamentalism…again and again paints itself into a corner by requiring that the Bible be treated as a divinely dictated science textbook.”  “This approach has set up Christians on the wrong side of truth again and again.”  “Many pious people deny our envirenmental crises by quoting Bible verses and mocking science.  Just as they were the last to acknowledge the rotation of the earth and its revelution around the sun, they’ll be the last to acquiesce to what science is telling us about our growing ecological crises.”

“Second, we are in trouble in relation to ethics.”  “…we are stuck now:…largely obsessed with narrow hot-button feuds (eg. abortion, sexual orientation, nationalism, genetic engineering) that end up being little more than litmus tests for political affiliation.”
“In the United States, white Evangelical Christians are the most fervent advocates of government-sanctioned torture and that frequent churchgoing is a statistical indicator of support for torture.”

“Third, we are in deep trouble relating to peace.”   “When careless preachers use the Bible as a club or sword to dominate or wound, they discredit the Bible in a way that no skeptic can.”
“It’s an old and tired game:  quoting sacred texts to strengthen an us-versus-them mentality.”  “In case after case in the past, there is a kind of Bible-quoting intoxication under the influence of which we religious people lose the ability to distinguish between what God says and what we say God says.“

Taken from “A New Kind Of Christianity” by Brian McLaren.  Buy it HERE.

————-

“There are two ways to read the Bible, frontwards and backwards.  If we locate Jesus primarily in light of the story that has unfolded since his time on earth, we will understand him in one way.  But if we see him emerging from within a story that had been unfolding through his ancestors, and if we primarily locate him in that story, we might understand him in a very different way.”
“…nobody in the Hebrew Scriptures ever talked about original sin, total depravity, “the Fall,” or eternal conscious torment in hell.”  “It’s the shape of the Greek philosophical narrative that Plato taught!”

Taken from “A New Kind Of Christianity” by Brian McLaren.  Buy it HERE.

[Via http://lifewalkblog.wordpress.com]

A Golfer Says He's Sorry- Take That Brit Hume

In our increasingly scattered and diverse digital world, in which everybody marches to their own drummer, the Tiger Wood’s apology last Friday morning was one of those exceedingly rare TV events that turned into a communal experience shared by billions of people around the country and the world. Every major network ran it live like it was the President of the United States announcing a major international incident.

If you really think about it, it was theatre of the absurd. People across America gathered in their offices paying rapt and occasionally mocking attention to this: a golfer saying he was sorry for failing to control his sexual impulses. Yeah, I know it wasn’t just a golfer. Every time I think of Tiger’s infidelities I flash on that Nike commercial of kids saying, “I am Tiger Woods.” He actually did set himself up as a role model. And he happens to be the greatest athlete of our time. But it was still a golfer apologizing for screwing around. Considering the massive televison audience alone, we have definitely plowed new ground here.

Tiger seemed quite sincere and appropriately chastened. But the props were strange. Mom sitting in the front row. Business associates and friends gathered somberly as if they were at a funeral. The tough-love hugs at the end.

I liked the part where Tiger came home again to his Buddhist upbringing. I took this as a direct slap at Brit Hume of Fox News who suggested recently that if Tiger converted to Christianity all would be forgiven. This is going to be very educational for Brit. What if it turns out people can forgive a Buddhist? Yikes.

And really, really…Erin didn’t take an 8-iron to the SUV?

Ah, so many questions, so few answers.

[Via http://garciamedialife.com]

Can't Stop Fantasizing While With Man

Dan rubbed her feet, but Fabio was Roseanne's leading man.

Dear Yenta,

I’m living with a boyfriend but can’t stop thinking about another man. How do I stop thinking about the other man? This would be especially helpful during sex.

-Wandering Eye

Dear WE,

There was an episode of the L-Word that debated whether fantasizing is cheating. According to their rubrix, one said acting on fantasy is cheating, but doing it isn’t, while the other said when you start wanting something besides that which you have, it is time to go because you are cheating.

If you are wishing for someone else, it means you aren’t able to be present with the dude in front of you. This psychological exit means something, and it is up to you to determine why it is you can’t mentally remain in the room in the arms of your man.

What is driving your fantasy? Desiring another while being with a committed lover can mean a million things. It can mean you don’t like your homeslice anymore, or that you feel trapped and suffocated and this fantasy is a way of exiting and expressing, quietly, your freedom. Maybe he is terrible in bed and you can’t stand it.

You could be totally in love and totally scared and this fantasy is a lifeline to life beyond, keeping you grounded. Or, still, you could be curious and lusting for more, maybe even for an open relationship. (See PiggyBack Dating)

Only you know if you love one, and not the other, if your relationship is dead, if you need to be testing the waters right now. Roseanne loved her husband Dan, but she always fantasized about Fabio when sleeping with him. Dan had Fabio’s head and that’s how she did it. It didn’t, however, mean she was set to leave her husband: she loved him.

But you aren’t Roseanne, and this isn’t the L-Word, and fantasizing about someone else besides the one you are with might be a very simple sign that it is time to move on. It means that something is fishy, and needs to be scoped out. The way to make it stop is to determine what is missing and then remedy the situation so you can be present, enjoying the lover you actually have. Go live your fantasy.

[Via http://askyouryenta.com]

Control

Being a strong and independent woman, I probably shouldn’t be admitting this, but I can sense his desire to control me and it turns me on immensely.

The funny thing is that I’m the kind of personality you just don’t control. I am fearless and outspoken and will stop at nothing to make sure justice prevails, even when it means telling the bosses off. I just don’t put up with anyone running over me. I was teased throughout my whole childhood so my way of handling that has been to become a fighter and a defender of not only myself but of anyone else I see being wronged.

So why does it turn me on that I sense in him, a need to control me? And I say “sense” because even though he is my superior, he doesn’t boss me around or act dominating. On the contrary he’s a very fair and flexible person to work with. But it’s the little things and the look in his eye which my intuition reads as a yearning and pining to have me under his control. It mirrors raw and primitive sex where the male takes the female and does what he likes with her. He is the predator and I am the prey. I love to be dominated in bed and play the helpless female, so maybe that’s why this glimmer in his eye is so sexy to me. I can imagine he is -that- kind of man when having sex. I wonder if he can read me in the same way, that despite my bold and strong exterior, I would surrender to him totally.

Men are by primitive instinct, hunters. I wonder if it’s deeply rooted in them to “hunt” females as well and tame them. The more she bites and claws, huffs and growls, the more he wants to subdue her. Maybe his cock is the secret weapon, the final tool to reversing her behavior with the pleasure it brings. It disturbs me to think that this is very close to something they call rape. I’d prefer to think of it as a game, a dance, a process. Just like when you watch documentaries about animals mating and usually the female acts disinterested and runs away with the male going after her. And upon penetration she gives in. That’s exactly what I’m talking about here.

The Pixies have a song called “Tame” which goes like this:

Got hips like cinderella
Must be having a good shame
Talking sweet about nothing
Cookie i think you’re
Tame

I’m making good friends with you
When you’re shaking your good frame
Fall on your face in those bad shoes
Lying there like you’re tame

Uh huh huh

Tame

Then the Toadies have a song called Heel:

Long neck, short leash
Sweet lips are black, black, black, black
You walk, I Lead
Little tricks, stagger and fall
Heel

You’re crying, well listen
This time you really were bad, burn, burn , bad
I will show you some discipline
Yes, you will learn some respect, respect, respect
Heel

God I love you
You’re so pretty
Love you, love you
Pretty, pretty
Heel

Although not directly, I think both of these songs are referring ever so slightly to the thing I’m talking about.

[Via http://lalaloveless.wordpress.com]

Nation Celebrates National Sex For Candy Day

This Sunday marks the time honored national “sex for candy” day. Originally the holiday was based off of the Christian saint Valentine’s day, involving significantly less sex. Thankfully in the last few decades the holiday has gotten what analysts are call “hotter”.

“It’s definately one of my favorite holidays” said local man “if I just give my wife candy or flowers and I get to have sex! That never happens on Christmas, let me tell you”. Apparently this trend carries over to non-married couples as well. “Yeah I plan on having sex with my boyfriend today.” said one woman “I mean he bought me candy and dinner and I didn’t get him anything so I guess its the least I can do”

The holiday also seems to be a bonanza for lonely people. “Yeah I could pick up most any semi attractive girl out tonight” said a homely man “I gotta tell you, loneliness plus alcohol is a powerful aphrodisiac”. Studies show that most lonely people spend the day either getting inebriated, having a casual hook-up, or a mixture of both.

When asked for comment Saint Valentine is quoted to having said “I can’t believe I died a martyrs death to sell candy”

[Via http://thedailymud.wordpress.com]

Flirtation Device--Day Eleven of 14 Days & 14 Ways to Love Our Husbands

If your marriage is starting to sink, toss out a flirtation device. That’s right, I’m talking anything from teeny-bopper, cutsie wootsie to make your momma blush flirtin’! Toss it on out there and pull your marriage to safety.

Think about it, what was the first thing that brought you and your man together? I bet it was flirting. I know it was for me and Jared. A little eyes, a little smooth (or not-so smooth) talkin’, maybe an “accidental” brush of the arm. The things that made you want to smile, laugh, & spin around all at once because he’s into you, he’s really in to you!

Eventually, though, flirting takes a back seat as you work to get to know each other deeper and share real life with one another. It’s hard to flirt between bills and baby spit up (so I’ve heard on the latter).

But flirting is a fun way to bring the focus back to each other. It’s low pressure and doesn’t take much time at all. Try one of these flirtation devices each day this week.

• Send your man a text message with a sweet or sexy message. Pictures optional (but be careful if someone else might see it)!
• Walk up behind your husband while he’s doing something mundane, like paying bills or brushing his teeth, and hug him and tell him you love him or thank him for taking care of the finances.
• Sit on his lap or curl up close to him on the couch or in bed. I blogged about snuggle benefits on Day Six.
• Wear something slightly revealing around the house. It doesn’t have to be dressy. Even sweat pants paired with a low-cut tee or a cami can be sexy.
• Compliment him. Don’t just say you look nice, we’re talking flirting here. Try “Check out your booty in those pants!” or “I love it when you wear that shirt. It reminds me of our vacation to Rome.” 
• Write a message for him in the mirror or the shower steam. (Jared does this for me a lot and I love it. The latest message says, “Hello Beautiful.” (It gives me an excuse not to clean the shower, too!)
• Speaking of the shower, hop in there while your husband’s showering. You can probably forget all of the other stuff if you surprise him in there.
• Laugh at things he says that are funny or tell him something funny that happened to you today.
• Lean toward him and listen when he’s talking to you. Simply engaging him and making eye connection can be flirtatious.
• Give him “the eyes” at the dinner table or out in public. Don’t avoid flirting when the kids are around–they may act grossed out, but it’s one of the healthiest things they can observe their parents doing.
• Use your gifts and your imagination and have fun with it!

Just a word to the sensitive souls (like me): set your expectations low, especially if you haven’t flirted in awhile. Sometimes I think I’m flirting and Jared has no idea that was supposed to be flirtatious. Try not to be upset if you don’t get the reaction you were hoping for and keep trying. If he’s just not observant enough to realize what you’re doing, try being more direct, maybe even tell him that you’re trying. However, I’ve been in a relationship where my passes where intentionally ignored–that’s not okay–and if you’re dealing with that, you may need something heftier than a flirtation device to bring the spark back.

Have fun and report back to let us know how it works.

Also, I heard this today and thought it was brilliant, “You can’t recreate on Valentine’s Day something that hasn’t been there all year.” Flirting is one of those things you can do every day that takes the pressure off of days like Valentine’s Day. If you “practice” giving affection to each other throughout the year, it’s so much easier to express it on days like Valentine’s. I think that’s why I’m finally ready to celebrate it this year.

[Via http://reluctantcoachswife.wordpress.com]

Kiss Of Fate

The movie hall seemed strangely quiet except for the low buzz inside my head, like the drone of an ancient biplane hidden in the clouds somewhere far above in the sky. I tried to concentrate on the large screen before me. Through the tears, the picture looked blurred and hazy. I didn’t know why I was crying. The biplane was coming closer with each passing second, gradually drowning me in an violent uprising of a now shapeless noise.

I sat erect and immobile, my back pressed against the plush leather seat, my mind sinking into a fathomless quagmire of random thoughts. I could taste Vicky on my still parted lips. My mouth felt dry. I was breathing through it, I realised. I want to close my mouth and then forget about it. I feel all alone huddled in an infant dark. A bluish white lustre hangs like morning fog tracing rows of chairs immediately before me. Silhouettes of the occasionally bobbing heads in them remind me that I am not alone. The familiar smell of a room-freshner colludes at my nose tip to give the stale air a touch of newness – spring flowers, I gather.

Suddenly Vicky turns and looks at me. In the darkness, I can feel his calm, steady eyes bore into my face. Once again I sense that feeling inside of me. The same feeling that I have carried within for as long as I remember. A feeling that I had, unknowingly, reserved for Vicky. I never asked myself what it was or why. I had accepted it unquestioningly. I grip the arm rest of my seat firmly to subdue a shudder that threatens to rack my body. An uncontrollable desire to run outside into the world of light takes over me. My hands are shaking as I tear them off the arm rest to wipe off the beads of perspiration running down my forehead. I feel feverish and weak.

Far from me, stands two exit signs on either side of the growing darkness, glowing eerily like warning signs of the things that wait outside for me. I felt fear etch ominous messages on my heart, which I didn’t know how to read. The massive doors, which let me in, now seemed like invisible prison gates to a dark padded cell without a key in which I was to spend the rest of my life.

I turned to look at Vicky. Without taking his eyes from the screen, he squeezes my arm as if to reassure me. ‘I am beyond reassurance, my dear cousin,’ I tell him, silently. He won’t understand, I know. He comes from a different world than mine. Every year, he visits with his family from beyond that wonderful, magical world I dream of. Seven seas and centuries separate our worlds. People in my world don’t do or say things that you do, Vicky. We don’t even think the things you do. That would be blasphemy. Our desire has made me an outcast already, do you know that?

Darkness is a curse because it gives birth to everything that light refuses to conceive. I have been removed from light so that all that was to be will be. My mind has fought with the inevitability. In horror, I accept it now. Ironically, it wasn’t the light but the dark that made the answers so clear. I now know what people meant when they said I was ’strange.’ I now see the meaning of the look in their eyes. I have hated it. I have hated the light that made them see what they did. Yet was not a part of me waiting for the dark to fall? Was this not the shy child’s unspoken desire? Well, the dark has fallen now, for once and all.

In flashes I see the last two minutes of my life come alive before my eyes. Vicky’s fingers gingerly moving on my thighs; the bursting open of a nameless feeling from the seat of my spine, rising like a pleasurable ache through the muscles of my back into my head, into my eyes, onto my lips; my head titled toward his in the dark, his lips on mine, our tongues promising each other fantasies of the unnamed kind, my body throbbing to discover and deny at the same time; his hands inside my unbuttoned jeans, stroking my adolescent pride, the rising emptiness in the pit of my stomach, my arching hips against the pressure of his soft palm, his lips on mine, interlocked in naked desire, lost in time. I close my eyes tightly in terror against a future that is waiting to happen. I shudder at the thought of stepping outside into the world of light where I will, for the rest of my life, will live as a ‘gay.’

[Via http://lightafiretonight.wordpress.com]

Making the Moment Last: Your Guide to Premature Ejaculation

Hey you

So one of the most frequently asked questions I get from chaps is ‘how can I last longer before I come?’ Men often want sex to last longer but the average time it takes to orgasm or ejaculate (not exactly the same thing, I’ll explain another time) is just 3 minutes. If you jiggle your penis inside someone really quickly you are going to come, especially if you are a young man. (I’m sure some women have this problem too. Discuss.)

Most guys don’t have, what a doctor would call, premature ejaculation: some guys come before putting their penis inside someone and sometimes even before that. (Other guys have the opposite condition called retarded ejaculation, which can cause sweatiness, blue balls and bad backs.) Try some of these things below, if that doesn’t help I’d contact your local GUM clinic and talk to them about seeing a psycho-sexual counsellor who can really help.

So here are some tips for lasting longer: after that I’ll have a bit of a rant about how you should change up your ideas about what sex involves and avoiding boring heterosexual scripts.

1. Pre-emptive ejaculation

If you masturbate and ejaculate an hour or two before you plan on having sex then it means that you will last longer when you have sex. As seen in the film ‘There’s Something About Mary’.

2. Use a condom

Condoms can reduce the sensation of sex a little bit, this should help you last longer. Try thicker condoms or condoms with a delaying action (see here for more)

3. Give it a squeeze

If you start having penetrative sex and feel like you are going to come really early you can pull your penis out and give it a quick squeeze just under the bell end

This should give you a few more seconds or minutes of fun.

4. Tense up your pelvic floor muscles

You know when you go for a pee and you need to stop for some reason, the muscles that you use to do that (they kind of feel like they are up your arse), are the same ones you can use to prevent you from coming. So try it during sex and see if that works.

5. Start Stop Technique

This involves masturbating in your spare time (in fact frequent masturbating generally can help) in order to train your brain into working out when you are really turned on and about to come. Practice doing this when solo and it might work when you are with someone.

You should masturbate until you get very near that point when you normally come, then stop, think about something that turns you off, (like cricket). Once you feel that your orgasm / ejaculation is receding then start up again and repeat the process. It’s lots of fun.

6. Practice and intimacy helps

Sex is better in relationships and the more you do it the better it gets. It also means that you’ll be more comfortable with your body and with each other and less likely to freak out about it.

7. Good sex is not simply about a man putting his penis inside someone till he comes (warning rant alert)

Here’s the best tip for you: penetration is only a small part of sex! Either do loads of other stuff, or use your hands, and remember sex doesn’t stop when one of you has an orgasm (and great sex doesn’t have to include orgasms at all). Keep playing and pleasuring your partner until you’re feeling it again.

Guys, you might go soft after coming (that is the refractory period, which almost all men have, it’s normal and lasts for 10 to 30 minutes) but after a few minutes of kissing or pleasuring your partner or a great cup of tea, you can get hard again.

So change it up, switch the order around, don’t do it like they do in porn and enjoy it. Don’t focus on your performance, focus on how much you and your partner are enjoying it.

all text and images © Bish Training 2010

[Via http://bishtraining.wordpress.com]