Why a straight guy fantasizes about being a wife

I’m as straight as an arrow, and if you know your physics, you know an arrow wobbles around a bit, even as it stays on course. But I have this recurring sexual fantasy where I wake up as a woman, not just a woman, but a married woman, and her, well, now my, husband is sleeping curled up behind me with his morning woody poking me.

He’s half asleep, I’m half asleep, our bodies go with it, and next thing you know he’s pounding me from behind, grabbing my big, mature tits, and I’m loving it. We do all the positions, I crave his cock in my mouth and eventually I take a shower with him fucking me one more time before I rinse his cum out of me.  Then I dress in a lacey bra and clothes that show the world I’m a woman, and head off into the day to live her life.

Now, why would a straight guy fantasize about that?

First off, I love sex. I mean, everyone loves sex, right? But if you take my idea that humans make God by creating things together, sex is that ultimate spiritual connection of bodies and souls.  And I love the idea of getting lost in someone else’s body and soul.

I’m a nice guy, I respect women, and I never (okay, rarely) push a woman past her comfort zone.  But if I was the woman then I could do whatever I, as a guy, would want her to do.  As a guy, I’d never suck another guy’s dick (okay, once), but as a woman, I could kneel down in front of him and submit to my weakness and his strength.  I could surrender to him completely and be free of the baggage I carry as a guy.

I think the part of my fantasy where I’m a married woman is because I want to be taken care of, I want to be cherished and protected. But as a guy, I can only go so far down that path. I’m over six feet tall, pretty athletic, and white.  I own my own company and negotiate deals with corporations and the government.

I can’t take care of the house, make myself pretty and greet my lover at the door with sex — it’s not the path I chose, and even if I had, it’s not a role fully available to a man. I hate effeminate stay-at-home dads — if you’re a man, you can’t push down your masculine needs all the time. I like being the aggressor, the decider, the strong one. I hate it when people don’t listen to me, and expect my words to carry more weight than others. Tall white guy syndrome, I know, but I can’t help it.

But sometimes, I’d just like to know how it feels to be so entirely dependant on someone else, and give myself so completely as only a wife can do for her husband.

Wednesday 14th October 2009

 

 

 

WEDNESDAY 14th OCTOBER

 

 

I’m not sure whether to be delighted or slightly embarrassed – I now have over 4000 ‘friends’ on Facebook. I also, somehow, have managed to gather over 2500 people in the DJ Wanker Appreciation Society.

There was no popping of a champagne cork. It’s all very vacuous stuff really although quite nice that people have taken the effort to add me or accept me.

I don’t feel important in any way – and neither should I – as it’s just internet nonsense.

*****

How many of these 4000 would consider me enough of a friend to invite me round for Christmas Dinner? I would say probably 10.

How many of these would come to my funeral and be sad I’ve passed on? Possibly 20.

That’s how you gauge your proper friends.

*****

Other news from Facebook… I was this week invited to join a group called:’We need a cash machine in Woodside.’ I didn’t join on the grounds that Woodside needs a lot more important things than a cash machine to improve it.

Like a better quality of houses and people.

*****

Okay, I’m being rude about the place again. No serious offence intended. It’s just an easy target and I’m rarely going to pass up the opportunity of shooting fish in a barrel.

There’s another group on Facebook called: ‘I hate Woodside, Telford.’ On the wall, Maria Foster wrote: “It’s a shit hole and needs a big bomb.” Jasmin Turner said: “I live on Woodside and it’s a shit place to live.” Warren Teece, the group creator, added: “It’s full of gossiping, backstabbing idiots who have nothing better to do than slag each other off.”

*****

Five other random groups I’ve spotted on Facebook this week:

* Find my mum a husband

* If  one million join this, I’ll get a tattoo of the Facebook logo

* Fuck this, I’m moving to Fraggle Rock

* The Bollocks Bar (Magalluf)

And my favourite of the lot, aimed at people who can’t dress themselves properly…

* Pull your fucking trousers up

*****

There would also appear to be a million groups on Facebook aiming their vitriol at two lads with crazy hair from the X Factor. Now I couldn’t care less about the programme, aside from maybe dipping in occasionally to see Simon Cowell be rude / refreshingly honest to people.

If these Irish twins are that hated, why did they get voted through to next week? It’s evil people like me voting to keep them in! I didn’t actually vote as I can find better uses for my money.

Other things I noticed from the show on Sunday:

1. Alexandra Burke, last year’s X Factor winner, could only MIME her performance.

2. Robbie Williams is not the entertainer he thinks he is… although I quite like his new single.

3. Louis Walsh didn’t turn up to judge – preferring to attend some impromptu Boyzone reunion in Majorca.

*****

I mentioned last week that I would be spinning the tunes on a Wednesday night at Bar Vox in Telford but that turned out to be just a one-off. You can still find me in the main room at Pussycats every Friday and Saturday – head to the gallery at  www.djwanker.com for my latest photos.

*****

Daniel Lee Benton wrote this regarding the blog last week: “I’m a fan of the politics update. I can’t say I agree with your take on Never Mind The Buzzcocks… but I’m happy its back on.”

And I’d also like to thank the fragrant, loveable flooze (and top Telford totty) Gemma Mansell who, on her Facebook page, has “Geoff’s Blog” written among her favourite quotations!

*****

I received some very sad news last weekend that Wayne Springer had died. He was just 44. Wayne was heavily involved in the club and bar scene in Leicester and I never met anyone who had a bad word to say about him. He was a gentle giant.

When I got my first full nightclub residency in Leicester in the late 1990s, the owner of the place used to terrify me but Wayne was the manager and always put me at ease. I worked with him on and off until about four years ago and he was always exactly the same – calm, reasoned, polite and unruffled.

My best mate Phil heard the news first and we chatted on the phone about how we both had such huge respect for this guy. Rest in Peace, big man.

*****

Lifted from an interview with Dougie from McFly in Heat magazine:

What was the last lie you told?

“I farted in bed and Frankie (from The Saturdays, his girlfriend) asked me if I had. I said it wasn’t me, it must be you.”

Quality. Why don’t women find farting as funny as men do?

*****

Stolen from the letters page of Viz magazine:

“So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.”

*****

I don’t understand why a man would ever have a sex change. Yes, you could put up with having breast implants. Yes, you could put up with the pain of having your manhood chopped off and a ‘ladygarden’ dug in. But the really awful bit must be where they remove half the brain cells…

*****

I have invested in a sleek, new desktop PC at home and it’s bloody quick! I don’t know much about computers but it’s from the Dell Inspiron range and has… quad core processor (2.5ghz, 4mb cache), 640gb SATA hard drive… these are just words to me but Tom, my technical advisor in Leicester, reckons it’s money well spent.

Technology has moved on rather quickly since I was a kid. I had a ZX Spectrum+ as my first computer when I was about 13. This is what it looked like…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:ZX_Spectrum%2B.jpg

Then we had an Amstrad word processor which I used to start writing my book in 1997. It was basic and looked like this…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Locoscript.png

*****

And finally… I couldn’t resist.

For Sale: One stool and microphone. In good condition. £95. Please contact Ronan or Keith.

 

 

Cheers for now,

Geoff / DJ Wanker

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Happy But........

I have enjoyed spending the weekend with Gator. My family has been down and I have enjoyed seeing them as well

However, this is the one weekend out of the month that we get to spend with Tech and Kitten. I think that both Gator and I are a little off because we feel they should be with us. Making that feeling worse is the fact that they really could have been. Their plans for the weekend could have been done any other weekend during the month. Them choosing this weekend is odd to us. They know they are welcome to spend time with my family when they are in town. And I made sure of this by inviting each one separately so that I would be sure they individually knew we’d like to have them and still wanted to see them this weekend.

I’ve not gotten a satisfactory answer as to why they didn’t come down this weekend.Gator tried getting one from Kitten. She did get a bit ugly when she found my family was visiting on “their weekend’. I think she is a bit jealous of the time I spend with them.

And that leads to a whole post in itself. One I will post in the next day or two I believe. Just a bit more thought into it first.

Nonverbal communication

Aw, damn. I opened this post in a new window and clicked a different blog in my feedreader before I had a chance to “keep as new.” But this is a good read anyway, so posting it here.

Schrodinger’s Rapist, or A Guy’s Guide to Approaching Strange Women Without Being Maced

This post links up to several discussions that have taken placed on this blog about catcallin’ or being approached by strangers: The Open Letter, which remains one of the most-visited pages here; most recently the cat-in-a-sink guy; a few others in between. I like to revive the topic of street harassment now and then because (a) hey, still happening! and (b) it’s such a clear-cut case of male privilege in action. Or perhaps entitlement is the better word. While there are certainly women who catcall and men who do not, the big pattern of men hollering at women is bolstered by a sense of specifically male entitlement to not just look, but to interrupt, to penetrate with one’s look, to impose one’s presence on a woman who ought to be flattered or at least passive rather than peeved. One of the things I like about the Schroedinger’s Rapist post is that it spells out the implications of that imposition: if a woman is sending the nonverbal cues to leave her alone (walking quickly, not looking, body turned away, etc.) and a dude overlooks these to press his case, then it just highlights how unimportant he considers her desires compared to his, and raises the chance that she will be angry or afraid. That really articulated why I felt so unsettled about the Cat in a Sink guy, enough to post about him… I mean, he was harmless, right? Just a funny line, right? Even I wasn’t sure, but he did steamroll right over my first few decline-to-accepts, and that did ruffle me.

It’s worth mentioning that not all women live day to day in the kind of fear and preparation that the author describes. Not because they shouldn’t – don’t we get messages everywhere, all the time, that it’s up to us to keep ourselves from attracting unwanted attention? – but because not everyone wants to. Or even wants to think about it that much. I like to think of myself as a competent person and a good judge of character; I prefer to trust than to fear. And I’ve gotten myself into some real scrapes that way. What I’m saying is, it takes a lot of energy to be afraid all the time, and not everyone’s going to be up for it. But that’s addressed beautifully in the “risk tolerance” section of that post. Just. . . read it.

Love & Peace & Bar

Kim Laughton

“For years I had recorded hours of tapes of my teenage band, prank phone calls, studio demo tapes, synthesizer blurbles, and various recordings of an unusual nature. I wanted all this hard work to be heard, and I loved distributing my tapes simply to annoy people and sometimes even to enlighten or entertain them . . . It was my response to a world that seems always to have told me that I am small and worthless. Putting out music for the hell of it was my way of giving the finger to a universe indifferent to my existence.” –John Trubee, from You Too Can Be a Recording Star!

The hooker, the policeman and the banker

So, I did another booking tonight. Was a strange one. He lives in an enormous house in Maida Vale and is a retired city gent. We started with a (par for the course with the older johns) massage, then a blow job. Simple. Oral is what I’m renowned for apparently, so it’s a regular thing that they only want a blow job. He couldn’t stay hard – he was pushing 60 so that’s understandable. The strange thing was, suddenly he sat up, and said goodnight. No money shot, no orgasm, nothing!

After I left (a bit richer…) I got a phone call as I was getting on the tube from the policeman. He was supposed to meet me today but because my phone has decided to play games, I ended up sat waiting for almost 2 hours. He stood me up basically. The phone call was a surprise, but he begged forgiveness and asked me to come meet him. I did.

Off I trotted to Tottenham Court Road, wandered down the street to meet him in Soho and half a bottle of wine later, and a fair few kisses later we parted ways with the promise of a phone call about a date tomorrow night. He rang me when I got home. We’re watching horror films at his place in Chelsea. I may have found a good one this time. I have butterflies. I wonder if I’ll have to quit the business properly….

Gender Parity, or Do Christian Men Idolize Women?

As many of you who read this blog know, I love listening to New Life Live each day.  The advice they dish out is a great combination of getting to the core of each problem with a healthy mix of humor.  There is however one thing that bugs me about the show and that is how different the advice is based on gender.  Let me give you a couple of examples.

A woman calls in looking for direction;

Woman:  My husband and I have recently separated after 20 years of marriage because I found out that he’s been having an affair.

New Life:  Oh, my.  We are so sorry and we can feel the hurt in your voice.  How can we help you?

Woman:  I need to know what to do next to reconcile this marriage.

New Life:  Well your husband is going to have to call off the affair.  He’s going to need to get into several programs before reconciliation can even begin.  He’ll need to be in Celebrate Recovery, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Every Man’s Battle etc.  He’s also going to need weekly counseling and belong to a men’s Bible study group.  Only after he’s in recovery for several months and is truly remorseful can he be trusted to let back in the house.  If you do take him back, make sure he works these programs for the rest of his life or he’ll fall back into his sinful nature.  After he does come back, the both of you need to see a lawyer where he will need to sign over all property into your name to insure that you’ll be protected if he strays again.

You get the point.  So what happens when a man calls in?

Man:  My wife and I have recently separated after 20 years of marriage because I found out that she’s been having an affair.

New Life:  What did you do to cause her to have an affair?

Man:  Maybe I don’t communicate well?  I’d like to reconcile.

New Life:  In order to get her back, you need to seek out counseling to see why you caused her to stray.  You also need to be in a men’s group where they can make you accountable for your emotional failings.  Only then can you contact her to take full responsibility for the affair and ask her forgiveness.

I hate to say it, but this isn’t a bunch of hyperbole.  If you listen to the initial question by either man or woman, you can guess with much accuracy what the advice will be.

New Life isn’t the only Christian group that believes in “man humility” no matter what the scenario.  If you watched the movie Fireproof, you’d have gotten a good dose of it.  If you remember, the husband is a jerk, is remorseful, tries to make amends and gets his wife back.  The wife however, has an emotional affair with some guy she works with, and ends up being portrayed as the saint of the movie with no accountability for her behavior.

Other Christian groups believe that the only reason a woman would sin is because of the actions of her husband.  Does this mean that single women have no need of a Savior?

My problem isn’t with the course of action that jerky men need to take, it’s that women in the Christian community are given a pass when it comes to sin.

Are men who made women idols through porn or affairs still making them idols through one way humiliation?  Are we as Christians so uncomfortable with the “submit” passages that this is our way of making up for the abuse women have suffered at the hands of bad husbands?

My Bible says that all have sinned and are in need of a Savior.  So help me out Christian community.  If I’m off course, show me the way!