I’m going to jump right in with some Cosmo headlines, and some suggestions I have for their improvement. Before any of you get all incredulous and start asking if I’m serious, YES, all of these are ACTUAL headlines from the Cosmo website.
“How to Handle Office Romance”
… don’t fucking bother. You’ll probably eventually get bored, then you’ll probably eventually get fired. It could potentially work out, I guess, but is it really worth taking the chance?
“One Night Stand Etiquette”
… you met someone at a bar. You followed them back to their house. You fucked them. You think there’s any ‘etiquette’ involved here? Just try not to steal any family heirlooms on the way out.
“How To Spot A Love Rat”
… have some common sense. Sounds simple, but most women don’t have this. Who hasn’t sat there, bored out of their arse, listening to a friend trying to justify some total prick’s behaviour? He’s a love rat: you know it, they know it, but at the end of the day they want to keep boning him so they need to either get out, or put up and shut up.
“What He Says vs. What He Means”
… he’s a man, and men generally do actually say what they mean. It’s just us women who lie and manipulate and play word games. Listen to what he’s saying and guess what? That’s what he’s saying.
“15 Ways To Get Him Going”
… 1: take off your bra. 2: take off your bra. 3: take off your bra. 4: I think you see where I’m going with this. Men like tits. It’s not rocket science.
“Find out how to lose twice as much weight as with dieting alone!”
… um, exercise too? I’m sick of all this shit all over the internet about how to lose weight. I’m going to level with you people: BACK AWAY FROM THE CAKE, AND GO TO THE GYM. It is that easy. Eat better, exercise more. You can spend as much money as you like on pills and potions and plans but the only thing that loses weight will be your wallet.
“He Doesn’t Want to Use a Condom”
… oh really? Well he obviously doesn’t want to use your vagina too badly either, then. Anyone faced with a man offering this opinion needs to master the use of the words “jog on”.
“He Keeps Pushing Your Head Down But You’re Not Interested”
… are the readers of Cosmo dating 16 year old boys? Because from what I remember of being a 16 year old girl, this was a particular speciality of theirs.
In the course of my research into shitty magazine articles nobody needs I did, however, discover my new favourite phrase – “whore’s bath” – which apparently is the practice of running off to the bathroom after sex to wash your armpits, crotch, and face, but not in that order. Frankly if you are uncomfortable enough with someone that a teensy bit of sweat and sex juices are enough to send you hurtling into the shower, you probably shouldn’t be shagging them anyway.
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