I have too many blogs to write and I’m a cranky pile of insomnia currently so my storytelling skills may be lacking. Not falling asleep til 6 am every day is getting old like Burt Reynolds.
Here’s to giving it a shot…..Oh maybe you should all take shots before you read this. I might be funnier that way. Go ahead, go get drunk. I’ll wait………………………………………………………………………….
Okay.
Last Friday Lucy asked me to come out for ONE drink after work. One drink somehow turned into closing down Bye and Bye up on Alberta. It’s such a rare thing for us to go out on a Friday night. Generally, a full bar terrifies me and brings out my most wicked anxiety. I prefer going out on Sundays when it’s empty out and then I bitch about how there’s no hot men for me to look at it. Oh yeah, I rule at life.
We found ourselves sitting at the only available seats in the bar which happened to be two stools at the corner of the L shaped bar. Little did we know that being in this position made us prime candidates to be hit on since people had to come up next to us to order drinks.
Let me pause to say that Lucy had just gotten off work and was wearing a long sleeved black T shirt and a below the knee black skirt. She looked a little like she was in mourning in a religious sect. This just further proves how retardedly attractive she is, she still got hit on way more than me. I’m okay with forever being second choice girl. It’s better than searching out fat friends.
Several entertaining things happened. In list form:
1. I have had drinks bought for me before but never by someone who I hadn’t already been speaking to. As Lucy and I chatted away and downed cheap beer, she kept glancing over my shoulder.
“Shit, shit….that guy keeps staring at us. Like he won’t stop.”
I casually turned and saw a man with Prince Charles ears, a blazer, sweater vest AND a tie eagle eyeing us from three people over.
“Ah fuck, ” Lucy whispered. “He just bought us drinks.”
“What?” I squealed.
Sure enough the bartender put two fresh tall boys in front of us. We peeked down at Prince Charles and tipped out cans in thanks. Several seconds later he slid up behind us, placing a hand on the small of my back.
“Hello ladies, I’m Peter.”
We shook Peter’s hand and introduced ourselves then quick as he came he slipped off into the crowded bar. I have to hand it to Peter. It takes a lot of balls to come to a Portland hipster bar dressed like a prep school escapee and buy drinks for two girls that you’ve been eye drilling. I wouldn’t fuck the guy with someone else’s vagina but I do have to give him credit. (He ended up coming back later and was actually kind of a dick. I may or may not have said something offensive to get him to leave. I saw him getting a girl’s number later though so everyone won.)
2. Some guy who liked like a handsome version of Screech from Saved by the Bell asked for my number. So I gave him my business card.
3. I was totally drooling over the bartender all night. A compact, fedora wearing man with an appealing nose. He seemed to be making eye contact with everyone in the bar but me which I took to mean I am a hideous troll. Lucy, however, told me that it was a good thing. Her logic is questionable sometimes. Nonetheless, at the end of the night I awkwardly told him we should get a drink sometime. He had one of my flyers from work and a business card of mine. Due to the fact that I asked him out with the force of a baby turtle, I do not expect a phone call.
4. Out of nowhere I turned to see Lucy talking to a moderately handsome older guy who was hitting on her like he wanted to marry her. He and his friend turned out to be the most entertaining people we had met in a bar in a long time. 40 minutes into him trying to win Lucy’s affections I finally told him that she’s a very taken lady. So predictably he started hitting on me. And I quite liked it. We avoided the what-do-you-do-where-you-from chit chat that I had been enduring all night and instead verbally bantered about bicycles, ass hair and woodworking. He took my card in the hopes of shaving some time off his back races by not having leg or ass hair. We hugged at the end of the night and I promptly told Lucy that I would totally fuck him if she hadn’t been his first choice.
What do you know though, he texted me the next day and I fell into it and went out with him. God I suck at sticking to my guns.
ask me stupid questions as always.
No comments:
Post a Comment