Little girls are taught from a young age that they can grow up to be anything that they want to be as long as they work hard and persevere. I knew that I wanted to be a writer so I took endless workshops, studied all the genres, and wrote incredibly emo poetry until I realized in 9th grade that there are only so many times you can rhyme “death” and “last breath.” Seriously. That shit gets old.
I knew that one day my hard work would pay off because life is fair that way. Well, I’m still waiting for my book deal but it’s nice to know that Ms. Ashley Dupre (the skank who schtupped Spitzer) is going to be writing an advice column for the New York Post. Her topic? Love and relationships. The jokes really just write themselves with this one. Suzie Homewrecker is going to be telling us how to have better relationships. I can see her prose going something like, “Yo, if he won’t take you out, then find someone who will. And charge extra for any weird shit. That’s what I did and look where I am.” Yeah, Slutty McHobag (she’s Irish apparently) has a point. I am starting to see that I might have taken the wrong career route. And if I’m getting second thoughts, think about all those little girls with their big dreams. Yes kids, prostitution WILL land you that dream job. However, it will also land you syphilis so there’s really a lot to think about.
And you know what? You’re probably thinking that I’m just a hater. Who knows? Maybe this girl is, like, as smart as Stephen Hawking (no, I am not going to make a Stephen Hawking joke, assholes. I have a heart…somewhere) and she could stun us with her profound and original dating advice. Maybe she was a child prodigy and then lost her talents because she started selling her body to pay for her mom’s cocaine addiction and her clients made her feel loved and safe, which was a great feeling, since her dad abandoned the family to work in a mine in China and was never heard from again and… Yeah, doubtful. Take a look for yourselves:
Okayyyy…so maybe not Stephen Hawking smart. You want my advice? Those glasses do not help the porn star image.
You might say that I am just trying to rip her a new asshole with this mean post but you’d be so wrong. Her clients already took care of that for her. Literally.
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