Long time no blog, I’m sure you’ll all agree. I’ve had a lot on to say the least… Life over the past month has been a haze of online job searching, fall-outs with some of my nearest and dearest, a near-love experience, and an shockingly high volume of alcohol consumption.
Let’s start with the online job searching… YES THATS RIGHT, I LOST MY FUCKING JOB… They made me redundant, paid me till the end of the month, and sent me on my merry way there and then. Been looking for a job since but there is absolutely nothing decent around. Not even anything that I’d be happy to settle with. I am very seriously considering fucking off to somewhere new, squatting in someone’s spare room, and trying my best to sort my bloody life out… Oh Stormmmmmyyyy! Haha. The plan to go away next year is completely on now, if it doesn’t come sooner. I refuse to stay here for much longer. *throws toys out of pram*
Through my recent ‘ploughing’ of young boys who have come and gone quite rapidly – all my choice, mainly due to their immaturity (shocking for boys with an average age of 20, i know), and also due to my brilliantly selfish “i got what I want out of you and now I’m done with you” mentality, I bagged myself a new boy on Bank Holiday Sunday… Saul was the friend of a friend who originally branded me ‘Lohan’ and told me that I thrived on debauchery and raunch = instant attraction… Although my original intentions were to force my face upon his that evening (which I did), get him to take me out (which he did) and then ruin him sexually beyond all psychological repair (which I did NOT), I ended up liking him, a lot. Fuck it, it was far too much. We just seemed to click and the tables seemed to turn quite quickly for me for reasons unknown and I started to get snuggly and soppy (NOT ME AT ALL). What I wanted (i.e. a fuck), in fact wasn’t what I wanted from him at all – so sex was put on the back burner, and although it would have been nice to be physically closer to him before he went away, it really wasn’t that important. I’ve never been less bothered about not getting my way as I was with him, because it felt like the other stuff was enough… As fairytale-ish as this is sounding, let’s not forget, this situation does involve me, and much like most of the good’uns I’ve had a slight attraction to in the past, he’s leaving the Valley for bigger and better things. He’s fucking off to the opposite side of the country to go to Plymouth for 4 years for Uni… Clearly bitter.
He left this afternoon, but our goodbye was on Tuesday. It was traumatic. We made the decision to leave what had happened as just that, and to not carry anything on once he’d moved. An odd conversation for us both to have considering not that much had actually happened, but we were both left messed and headfucked… Being fair, I did actually want him to have a clean slate when he got there. Being selfish, I wanted to lay claims on him even though he was away, and I wanted him to have claims on me too. He had said he didn’t want me to have to be committed to him when he wasn’t around, but I would have been in a flash if he’d have wanted me to be. Deep down I wish he could have been a prince charming type that came and swept me off my feet so I wouldn’t feel the need to carry on with the others, and to wean me off my plethora of boy-poon. But maybe this was as good as it was because it was doomed from the start. Maybe if he was staying around, we wouldn’t have got on so well. Acchh, who am I trying to convince… I think he could have ’saved me’, but Im beginning to feel like I’m unsaveable…. My god, I’ve missed venting on here!
The repetitive days of bed-dwelling and daytime TV watching throughout the week have caused me to start over-thinking EVERYTHING. Not like me at all, I’m normally very black and white… At the beginning of my unemployment, i was feeling quite positive about my life, the volume of boy-poon I was attracting, and pretty much all my relationships with friends and family. I have since turned into a complete emo bitch… Jeremy Kyle gives me hope, I’ve decided. It may be a pile of dogshit with some silly old chump who talks about the same nonsense, reciting the same lines every day, but whenever I watch it I feel a hell of a lot better about myself. It seems there is always somebody who is a lot worse off than I am.
Now to lift out of my pit of depression… on the plus side, i got through the first stage of the process and my naked self will be displayed on the Suicide Girls website on October the 23rd… YEEESSSSSSS!! Teaser photos coming soon bitches.
Nejjy xx
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