From everything I have talked about in the last few blogs, and from the things I know about myself, here is what I think: I don’t think we should impose ourselves to fit into any kind of norm – like the straight world. Those rules have been imposed on us by our hetero-normative Judaic friends. If it works for some couples,…. that is wonderful. If it doesn’t work for others, they shouldn’t feel they are wrong for trying out different arrangements. It’s kind of that whole,… Samantha Jones versus every other girl in the group.
Monogamy shouldn’t be the default; the couple should talk about it and do what’s right for them – they should keep talking about it, all the time, because feelings will change. They should be willing to re-evaluate not only the rules of monogamy, but the relationship itself. There is no reason to fool yourself into staying in a relationship that no longer makes you happy. Life is too short.
My guess is that if all gay men were truly honest about what they want: a.) apocalypse now. b.) most would like to try an open relationship. c.) as a result, most relationships would fall apart. Perhaps, most gay guys aren’t cut out for the whole, “… Til death do us part,” phrase,… unless they have found the one they’re meant to be with forever. It’s just that, as bad as it may sound bluntly, when you have two people in a relationship who are visually-oriented and hard-wired to sow their wild oats – it’s hard.
Personally, an open relationship would be less than ideal. It could only work if the communication was completely open and honest,… and if I could some-how believe that the sex my boy-friend was having on the side was only of the just for fun, no emotion involved variety. I would have to know that he loves only me, and will love only me. Of course!, that is impossible – just reading the previous blogs you would know that it’s impossible. The more he sleeps with others, the more likely he is to find somebody else better than I am, someone he could love more. Also, the less likely he is to want to tell me about it, because he would know I would be hurt. The lies would then start to snow ball,… I will get hurt,… and, that, of course, is why we insist on sexual monogamy: To protect emotional fidelity.
I do believe what I said earlier, life is too short to be with somebody you no longer love. Emotional fidelity is stupid if you are happier without it. But!, of course. I am a hypocrite. I believe in theory, but not if it means the guy I lovewill leave me for somebody else. I slightly want an open relationship, but I need a life-long partner more. Maybe!, I shouldn’t. Maybe!, I have bought into the hetero-normative ideal. Maybe!, it’s unfair and possessive and unnatural,… But!, I think I would probably rather draw a line in the sand about sex with others – so, that the emotions couldn’t develop with others. The emotions could develop anyway, of course,… But!, sex is an effective prophylactic.
So!, what does that mean when it is all said and done?,… In an effort to preserve a relationship one, or both, of us may not want forever if we knew better, I would rather we both deny ourselves the opportunity to find somebody we love more. In order to prevent my boy-friend, more honestly, from finding somebody he loves more than me, I am willing to forego the opportunity to find somebody I love more. This whole last paragraph doesn’t sound very good, at all. I don’t know. This is already too long of a blog. && My head is hurting.
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Well, there is the last installment of that piece. Thoughts?
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