WEDNESDAY 16th SEPTEMBER
I’m a busy boy this week, covering seven football matches in eight days in the Champions League, Europa League, Premier League, Championship and League Cup as well as fitting in my usual DJ-ing commitments at Pussycats on Friday and Saturday. As a self-employed individual, I adopt the old mantra: If I’m working, I’m earning.
Too many people think the world owes them a living – usually lazy, council house-dwelling dole grabbers and lazy, spoilt little rich kids – whereas I was brought up to get out there and earn a crust. Yes, I’m lucky I love my work but I’ve had the odd spell in my life where it wasn’t so great.
Don’t rely on the Government to completely look after you. Don’t go to mummy and daddy even if they have deep pockets and constantly try to buy your affection. Do some graft yourself. You’ll feel much better for it.
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The most important thing this week is that my dad has just celebrated his 75th birthday. I can barely believe he’s three quarters of a century. That’s like SO ancient. But in actual fact he doesn’t seem in the slightest bit ancient to me.
He keeps himself fit by running around the house trying to find the right side of mum because he knows it’s never clever being on the wrong side. She keeps him on his toes. I personally think that, despite his mellow demeanour, he actually pulls the strings in the relationship (married 39 years now, by the way) but just lets mum THINK she’s the boss.
It’s never easy buying a card to celebrate a birthday because I get caught between wanting something with meaningful words or one that’s just got a good joke on it. It is, of course, the thought that counts anyway.
I was in the shop last week ploughing through loads of cards, unable to find anything suitable, and then came across one which choked me a bit. There was moistness in my eyes when I read the words. It said:
“So much of the person I am, is because of the father you are. Thanks dad and Happy Birthday.”
He, of course, may take that as an insult should he believe that I’ve grown into a terrible son, not worthy of the Peters name. I don’t think, however, that he has that view. Although I have a feeling this hasn’t crossed his mind…
“He calls himself djwanker and has pink toenails – that’s my boy!”
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Rest In Peace = Patrick Swayze. By all accounts, he was one of the nicer celebrities in Hollywood. Please don’t shoot me or anything but his performance in Ghost with Demi Moore and Whoopi Goldberg was amazing. Yes, I know it’s a chick flick and all that but a good film is a good film is a good film.
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Given the subject matter of Ghost – come on, you all know what it’s about – I’m sure it won’t be long before some pathetic individual (like me, for example) sends you this text… “Do you think Whoopie has heard from him yet?”
You didn’t think that was funny did you?
Ditto.
At least he had the time of his life.
(This is getting worse by the minute.)
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Kanye West will probably interrupt Swayze’s funeral and say how Jacko’s death was better.
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The pictures I took of JLS in Ibiza have turned up on the band’s official website forum. I’m not sure how people who don’t know me actually located them but that’s the power of the internet, I suppose. I am reliably informed by the people on the forum that it was Aston and Marvin on the photos but that just sounds like the kind of car James Bond would drive.
I also discovered that JLS stood for Jack The Lad Swing and was put right when I suggested JLS was the bloke who did the Sunday Night Project with Alan Carr.
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Do you know what ANBG is? It’s bang out of order, that’s what it is.
Think about it.
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Thanks for your continued feedback about the blog. Here is a selection:
Paula Streames: “I’m a single mum with two kids living on a council estate. I know the way you think and write and I don’t take it too seriously.”
That’s my kind of blog reader.
MarkyC: “Not enough steam let off in the blog. As it was results week, it has to be a C minus lol.”
Jules Rawlings: “You were on form this week. I especially enjoyed the Ketamine story and the part about Chlamydia Woodside. LMAO.”
Jonny Bradley: “More good stuff, fella. PS. Do you fancy any Ketamine?”
Erm, no thanks.
Chris Banks: “Liked the blog again, Geoff. This friend you mentioned who is normally more drunk than yourself and causes a bit of mischief, does his name start with a ‘D’ and end (ironically) with ‘Ale’?”
I couldn’t possibly comment because the person involved would get upset.
Victoria Harper: “Your blog made laugh out loud as usual, especially the bit about the dopey woman on the plane. I have a friend who did exactly the same!”
Well we better not embarrass Kath by revealing who it was then, eh Vic?
Andy Sealey: “I’ve never been to the White Isle so it’s been good to hear a side that isn’t just a blurry mess. Your jokes are getting worse by the way – that said, they still made me smile. Roll on next week.”
I have to keep the jokes simple so the simpletons can understand them.
Mel Jones: “I finally got time to sit and read last weeks blog and may I say it was just what I needed. I laughed my socks off (well i would have if I’d had any on!) xx”
Peter ‘Speedo’ Fitzgerald: “The blog is spot on as ever – what will you find to write about if you have had the year’s last Ibiza trip?”
Oh I’ll find something…
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A new survey suggests that teachers think they can tell which pupils are likely to cause trouble just by looking at their names. Pupils called Crystal, Daniel, Courtney, Aleisha, Chelsea, Jack, Connor, Brandon and Chardonnay were among some of the ones to watch.
I would’ve thought a quick check at the home address might give a few clues. Teacher: “Hmm – Callum from Malinslee / Danielle from Sutton Hill… we’re in for some problems here.”
Okay, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with being called Callum or Danielle and living in Malinslee or Sutton Hill. It was just an example to fit my sarcastic stereotype. Please don’t cry.
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From the BBC website: “Doctors say there should be a ban on all alcohol advertising, including sports and music sponsorship.” They reckon we’re turning into a nation of massive boozers. We already have these ‘please drink responsibly’ tags on adverts which are just another example of the nanny state.
A bag of peanuts has to say, for legal reasons: “Contains nuts.” Of course it does… it’s a bag of fucking peanuts! Technically, though, a peanut is actually a legume but I’m not going to split hairs with you on this.
McDonald’s has to warn customers that the coffee they serve “maybe hot.” Well I should bloody hope so. I know it’s done to try and stop frivolous legal cases but it’s just ridiculous, really it is.
I might get an official trademark for this blog: “May Contain Opinions, Facts and Comments You Don’t Like. So Fuck Off.”
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Stolen from the letters page of Viz magazine:
“What is it with diabetics? One minute they’re on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming “Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!” The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say “No thanks, I’m diabetic.” I wish they’d get their story straight.”
”Why is it that a pub won’t serve me if I’m drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat fuckers? It’s hardly fair.”
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From the Shropshire Star last week: An armed robber from Telford who handed himself in to police because he felt so guilty has been jailed for three years.
“I thought prison would be better than living in Telford,” he didn’t say, because it wouldn’t be funny although it might nudge the sensitive souls reading this to go elsewhere.
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Exciting developments are afoot at the old Athena development in Telford town centre. The official opening night is Wednesday 7th October at Club Crush and Vox, the adjoining bar – although a select few will be invited to the VIP event the night before. Please, please, please stop messaging me asking if I’ll be working there or whether I can get you tickets – I’m still trying to get tickets myself for the launch!
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If you head to the gallery at www.djwanker.com you will see another fine selection of Pussycats photos from last weekend.
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He may be Italian but Fabio Capello seems to be working wonders with the England football team – eight wins out of eight to qualify for the 2010 World Cup Finals in South Africa. Quickly out with a soundbite after the game against Croatia last week was Gordon Brown (he’s the Prime Minister, you dumbo) who congratulated them on their achievement – although, being Scottish, I imagine he did it through gritted teeth.
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I was in Blockbuster last week and asked if I could rent Batman Forever. The woman behind the counter said: “No, you have to bring it back.”
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My good friends at Tantalize Beauty Salon in Madeley have asked me to inform you of their latest offer. If you ring them up (01952 585853) or go into the salon yourself and mention this blog, you will get 10% off selected treatments. I suggested to Trudy, the owner, that we really need ‘the phrase that pays’ so I came up with this…
“DJ Wanker Ate My Hamster.”
Try it. No, seriously – try it. It’ll give Trudy, Tania and Jade a good laugh and you’ll get your discount!
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Do you think homeless people appreciate ‘knock, knock’ jokes?
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And finally, any jokes or clever satire you find funny in the blog is all my own work whereas the ones you dislike have quite obviously been pinched from elsewhere.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
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